An unusual, late night post for you all today, only because I have a lot on my mind. I have been feeling quite weighed down recently. A lot of changes are about to happen. I touched on this in my August Goals and just want to be brutally honest and get really real for a minute about how I feel, because the tension in my shoulders and panic in my stomach refuse to be ignored. I am moving to London to start my MSc next month and I am bricking it.
I am not even sure what scares me the most. Probably just being unhappy there. It is going to be so different. Living alone, although I will be sharing a place with other people, away from my family. Getting back into education, when I didn’t do very well the first time around. I am worried it’s all going to be for nothing. That it is a huge mistake. I am pissing my money away. I am too stupid for higher education. I’ll return no better than I left with barely any money and nothing to show for it. All of this invisible pressure I am putting on myself is overwhelming and yet I can’t find a way to stop worrying about it. I can’t talk comfortably about this with anyone in my life. My friends are scattered and these horrible, negative feelings just feel too much, too inappropriate, for casual catch-up conversations. Although I know I have people that care about me, I know even if I told them how I felt I can’t envision there is anything they could say that would help. It’s a huge risk on my part.
They say there is no better investment than yourself, but when your confidence and self-belief have been shattered it’s really hard to find the gumption to bet on yourself. I feel like I have lost my nerve. I have always known what I have wanted to do, but secretly have constantly struggled with the idea that I am not good enough. Slowly, that kind of negative, harmful thinking leeches into every part of your life. It’s getting to be more and more of a struggle to identify what I like about myself. I am just a constant ball of stress these days. I am convinced I am going to fail, in spite of how many times I have read The Secret and educated myself on the Laws of Attraction, manifestation and positive thinking. It’s much clearer what I am lacking, what my flaws are than my strengths. Keeping it all inside is truly toxic. Writing has always been my outlet, sometimes just letting all the ugly thoughts out on a page can be the most cathartic thing. It might be a bit TMI for you all on this Thursday night and please know I am not fishing for compliments or asking for undeserved praise. I just want to share how I am feeling, because when I do feel like this I feel so utterly alone. I feel like no one else ever feels like this because they are brilliant and I am not. But I know that isn’t the case, everyone has days when they stumble and everyone worries about countless things. So if you are feeling down and miserable, know you aren’t alone and even if it doesn’t help remember that worrying will not effect your tomorrow it just sucks the fun out of today. Try and be like Elsa and let it go, I know I sure as hell am going to try to. Thank you for reading this ramble. Much love.
Good night guys